I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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