Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
