We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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