just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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