out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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