What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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