Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
