normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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