i think i have herpe
just one?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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