you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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