Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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