Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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