we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
