if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dear god my vagina.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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