She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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