Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
