i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
