Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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