my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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