know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
