she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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