onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
