My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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