from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
