She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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