Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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