$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
