Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
