I love black thongs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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