I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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