my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
