just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
