Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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