I'm really into asian looking animals
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
