I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
