my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
