When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
