I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
