Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
