maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize