Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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