Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
