If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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