Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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