the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
