i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
