i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
