Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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