You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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