I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
