I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
