i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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