He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
