drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
