I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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